A New Beginning in the Face of Loss
Before the outbreak of COVID-19, our lives were filled with choices and options. We controlled most of the ways that we chose to live our lives. We decided when we woke up, how we looked, how much time we spent working, when we left the house, how frequently we engaged in activities outside of the home, the people we chose to spend time with, and how we took care of ourselves.
Prior to this pandemic, we were spoiled with choice in most areas of our lives. Some can argue that having so much choice can lend itself to difficulty in feeling satisfied. Sheena Lyengar, the author of, “The Art of Choosing” noted that, “[m]ore choice leads to less satisfaction or fulfillment or happiness.” Prior to this new reality, I wonder how many of us would have described ourselves as satisfied or fulfilled. The normality of our lives came from a perceived sense of “certainty”. Life consisted of creating structure around our choices and prioritizing our values in ways that made sense to us.
The chaotic hustle and bustle of daily life made some of us eager to get to the end of each day just so we could take a deep breath and relax. Today, the hustle has shifted. For some, life has become less stressful. For others, life has become more challenging when challenged with the difficulties in balancing multiple roles (e.g., work from home, parenting, & attending to self-care). For the former, at the present time, days are filled with chances to pause and take deep breaths.
Some of us may be struggling to make sense of what is happening. Holding the grief of the people who have lost their lives, and the uncertainties about global health risk, the compromised health of loved ones, the economy, the future, and the emotional toll that social isolation is posing, people may be sitting with unsettling feelings of anxiety and fear.
In this article, we’ll discuss the emotional impact that grief and loss may have on our lives. We will additionally explore how the ambiguous nature of our new reality may impose roadblocks to managing distress effectively. This article will offer recommendations to cope with uncertainties in our reality.
The Five Stages of Grief
When something that we value is taken from us, we experience loss. Psychiatrist, Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, introduced the Five Stages of Grief. She noted that people who undergo a loss experience denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. The grieving process is unique to each person.
The stages are not necessarily experienced in any particular order, but these stages can provide a guide to understanding the emotions related to losing someone/something of value. These stages offer a way to help people redefine what life looks like after enduring a loss. It allows people to navigate the process of coping, find meaning, find hope, and to move forward following a loss.
Certainties of Current Loss
The widespread pandemic has resulted in multiple forms of loss. Some of us have lost family members and friends, and employment. Many of us have lost our daily routines, our freedom, access to social relationships and leisure activities, and the clearly defined boundaries between work and personal life.
Loss of Loved Ones
Over 165,000 lives have already been lost because of this pandemic. Sadly, this number will likely continue to rise for many months. Each individual whose life is lost leaves behind family, friends, and care workers who will go through a grieving process.
Loss of Economic Stability
Many people are grieving the loss of their jobs and income. Employment loss has significant consequences on basic needs (e.g., food, shelter, meeting self & caregiving needs), which can greatly impact emotional well-being. Losing your livelihood can leave many people feeling worried about financial responsibilities, and ensuring the security of dependents. For those who have defined their identities around employment, the loss of the latter can lead to distress, and feelings of being lost.
Loss of Structure
Let’s think back to pre-COVID times. How did people manage to meet the demands of work, family, school, children, friends, and community? Attempting to balance these varied and sometimes competing roles can be exhausting and stressful. For some people, implementing structure and routine provides a sense of security because it allows you to predict one day to the next. The loss of structure can be extremely unsettling.
The Way It Is: An Ambiguous Time
Clinical Psychologist, Dr. Pauline Boss coined the term “ambiguous loss” to describe a loss that occurs without resolution or clear understanding. She noted that “ambiguous loss can freeze the grief process.” She added, “People can’t get over it, they can’t move forward, they’re frozen in place.” Dr. Boss reasoned that ambiguous loss makes it difficult for people to fully comprehend what is happening to them, which makes it more difficult to cope with the loss. In this state, there is increased distress, and greater difficulty moving through the stages of grief that would allow a person to reach a place of acceptance. People are thought to remain in space that makes them feel helpless, hopeless, and depleted.
If we extend the idea of ambiguous loss to this pandemic, we all sit with the uncertainty of this crisis and its uncertain conclusion. Without having a strong framework to understand this loss (es), we may struggle with confusion, powerlessness, anxiety, difficulties accessing coping strategies, isolation, anger, denial, difficulties getting closure, detachment, & distress related to a desire to resist change. Many feel overwhelmed by the situation and feel panic for our health and that of family, friends & communities, future, & financial security.
How can we be open to change if we remain uncertain about what this new norm or reality is? If we could identify the ending, or insight on how long this reality will remain, perhaps we would be more likely to move closer to finding meaning, hope, acceptance, and identity redefinition. While it is normal to experience some degree of resistance to change, I wonder if our current reality poses a greater resistance to change because of the ambiguous nature of what is being lost.
Despite our difficulty in holding certainty during this time, it may be helpful to implement a framework using the recommendations below to help provide a way of understanding our experience, and attaching meaning to the unique losses that you are holding.
How to Manage Ambiguous Loss
Use Dr. Boss’ Guide
Dr. Boss noted that these guidelines could be helpful in building resiliency despite ambiguous loss. This was detailed in Loss, Trauma, and Resilience. Her six tools are as follows:
• Finding Meaning: Identify with what your loss means to you. (Please stay tuned to the next Article of Identifying Meaning.)
• Adjusting Mastery: Let go of the idea that you have control over this loss. Acknowledge that in this situation, you only have control over how you respond to this loss.
• Reconstructing Identity: Open yourself to adaptation, and redefine who you are given your new external reality.
• Normalizing Ambivalence: Acknowledge that it’s natural to feel distressing emotions in the face of change. Hold a non-judgmental approach to observing your emotions.
• Revising Attachment: Being able to broaden the meaning of loss by understanding that extremes can exist at the same time (e.g., I can feel grief about my loss while also holding onto the parts of my life that I value).
• Discovering Hope: Hold that in every loss, there may be an opportunity to discover something new about yourself or your life that you have not yet uncovered.
Identify your values
As we sit with what can be experienced as a loss of choice, we may be able to hold support in Dr, Boss’s recommendations to Revise Attachment and Discover Hope. Our present world may offer an opportunity to learn something different about ourselves, and to hold what we value in a different light.
This shift has forced us to re-evaluate what we value. Now that our choices are limited, we can rediscover what is truly important to us and begin redefining what makes us feel fulfilled. Try to enjoy this alternate version of ‘freedom’. While you may have lost the freedom to dash around ‘getting things done’, you now have the freedom to pause, breathe, and check-in with yourself.
Try New Things
Once you’ve re-evaluated your values, you can start to create a new routine that revolves around these values. Reflect on the interests that have been reserved for, “I’ll do that when I have more time.” Lean into expanding knowledge in areas of cooking, music, languages, a new career path, or a new area of study. Experiment with different work-out or eating regimens.
Connect remotely with friends and family. Challenge yourself to adjust to a new manner of maintaining social connections. It may be easy to move away from Zoom and other remote calls because well, “It’s not the same.” You are not alone in that sentiment. Connecting with positive social supports can serve to manage distress, anxiety, and depression. Stay in contact with the people you care about. Try to come up with innovative ways to connect virtually.
Connect with an online therapist to process
Sometimes the process of re-evaluating values can be a confusing journey, especially when overshadowed by the realities of this period of time. No matter how positive we try to be, sometimes a lot of changes all at once can be extremely overwhelming. Seeking support from a professional can offer a space to process your emotions, and help you identify the tools that can lessen what feels heavy, anxiety-provoking, and distressing.
I am currently offering telehealth support services to all California residents. Please give me a call today to obtain a free 20-minute consultation to see if telehealth support sessions could be supportive for you.