Constantly Feeling Stuck
Have you ever found yourself struggling to feel fulfilled, engaged, or content? Do you sometimes struggle to find joy or happiness? Do you find yourself uncomfortable and tense as the days start to blend together, and you often find yourself feeling like a machine that tolerates the monotony of daily life?
If any of these feelings ring true, you’re not alone. At some point in our lives, we may struggle with feeling stuck. Some may be challenged in their personal lives while others may be challenged in their careers. Some may experience feeling stuck in one area of life, while some may experience consistent periods that don’t seem to fade.
Having difficulty aligning with your true self can lead to feelings of dissatisfaction, frustration, regret, and unhappiness. In addition, the latter has the potential to prevent you from reaching your full potential, growing in your career, or feeling content in your relationships/life.
So what does aligning with your true self actually mean?
Aligning with your true self means taking a closer look at your values, defining what is truly important to you, and using these values to guide how you navigate life. Our values ground decision making, and provide direction & meaning. If we can effectively use our values as a compass, we are more apt to address our needs, which in turn, can increase life satisfaction and fulfillment.
In this article, we will explore some of the reasons why many of us feel stuck, and discuss how identifying core values can offer a pivot point for change and allow movement through areas that feel stuck.
Why We Sometimes Feel Stuck
Imbalance Between Guiding Values and Expectations
Although there are many causes to feeling stuck, this experience may come from having competing value systems, and/or having a mismatch between core values and the expectations that guide you. More clearly, feeling stuck may come from living according to the values of others/society that do not authentically resonate with who you are.
From the early stages of life, we begin to understand who we are and what we value through the lens of our caregivers and our culture. We observe and learn how to place value on the different aspects of our lives (e.g., family, social relationships, work, education, self-care, career, and other domains) by seeing how the important people around us prioritize these areas.
Throughout our unique journey, we can choose to maintain the values that have been passed down, make adjustments, or create an entirely new system. How do we identify our values in a constantly changing world and when holding competing value systems? What do we do when responsibilities and the expectations of others begin to take over? Inevitably, we begin to notice that significant figures, our experiences, and our life circumstances can sometimes move us away from what we truly value.
Feeling stuck can result from having difficulty defining our own unique value system in the overlay of the value systems of others and overarching culture.
Having Difficulty Understanding What is Holding You Back
Some people may get stuck because they are unable to identify the source of what is pulling them back. It can be difficult to move forward when you find yourself struggling with self-doubt, fear of making mistakes, procrastination, feelings of powerlessness, hopelessness, ambivalence, difficulties stepping outside of your comfort zone, and putting others’ needs in front of yours. When you’re able to pinpoint where the concern is coming from, you are more equipped to understand how to work through it or around it.
Thinking in Absolutes
Some people may get stuck because of restricted ways of thinking. All-or-Nothing thinking is a term used to describe an automatic way of thinking that uses absolute terms or extremes to describe a situation. It is a type of thinking that interprets events as “good or bad,” “black and white,” “never or ever.” Holding this perspective can make it difficult to see the forest behind the trees, and can prevent us from looking at the big picture.
Thinking in absolute terms can be problematic because it leaves little room for gray area. It provides a barrier to accessing resources and constructive ways of thinking, and places limitations and boundaries to what is possible. By seeing the gray area, we create more room to hold different vantage points when understanding a particular situation/problem. In addition, it allows us to see more than two outcomes when addressing a problem.
Locus of Control
Having difficulties being able to see how our own power can influence the outcome of an event can lead to feelings of being stuck. A locus of control is a person’s belief system surrounding the factors associated with the causes of success or failure.
A person who has an ‘internal locus of control,’ attributes success to their own efforts and abilities, while a person who has an ‘external locus of control,’ attributes success to luck, chance, or circumstance. Having an external locus of control leaves the belief that control lies outside of the self.
Feeling unable to move can result from having an external locus of control. Having a hard time holding a perceived level of control to effect change can increase levels of self-doubt and distress when trying new things or stepping outside comfort zones.
Tips on How to Get Unstuck
1)Explore Values
Once you have identified your values, you can use these to critically explore the domains of your life.
What parts of my life have I focused my energy and time on (childhood, adolescence, and adulthood)?
What provides meaning in my life?
What inspires me the most?
What makes me feel the most empowered?
Do I live to work or work to live?
What do I like doing so much that I lose track of time?
What would I do in life if I wasn’t pulled back with fear?
What would I do in life if I had a guarantee of success?
What situations or factors make it difficult for me to follow my values?
What actions can I take to pursue my values?
What barriers pull me away from pursuing my values?
How can I remove barriers, and get closer to process of pursuing my values?
How do I imagine life feels like if I were to live according to what matter most to me?
2) Check-in Regularly With Values
It is important to keep your values at the forefront of your mind. When they’re with us, they are more likely to guide us. Try jotting your values down on your phone, calendar, planner, refrigerator door, or bathroom mirror. Designate one check-in day a month to explore how your life is aligning with your values.
3) Set Goals
Spend time laying out goals for your personal life and career. Setting goals can kick start the process of engaging in new behaviors, and helps guide attention and focus. Goals can build confidence, competence, and motivation, which in turn, can increase emotional well-being and personal achievement.
Before identifying goals, explore your strengths and passions. Choose goals that align with your authentic core self. Hold the mnemonic SMART (Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant, and Time-Bound) when identifying goals. To learn more about personal goal setting click here.
4) Define Your Motivations
Motivation is the driving force in moving towards goal achievement. It allows you to hold intention and purpose in the areas of your life that you value. Motivation prompts us to expend time and energy in specific areas of our lives that we find valuable.
Chances are, if you were to look back at the times that you obtained a goal, you would see that the driving force of motivation revolved around having a specific purpose. The push-pull force of motivation can be broken down into two kinds of motivation: Intrinsic (internal factors) & Extrinsic (external factors). Intrinsic motivation comes from within and pulls a person to engage in a course of action because it is inherently enjoyable, inspiring, or gratifying. Extrinsic motivation comes from outside of the person and refers to behavior that is driven by external rewards such as a paycheck, promotion, bonus, and praise.
Recognizing what type of motivation inspires your energy and pulls you to move forward can be beneficial in helping you move away from being stuck.
5) Access Resources
The process of exploring values and goals can be supported by our positive social network. When we allow ourselves to connect, and be vulnerable with the people we trust, we open the door to movement. Identify the social supports that provide a mirror, a space to help you reflect, and offer inspiration. In addition, seeking support from a professional can also serve to provide guidance on your journey.
6) Be Aware of Limiting Thought Patterns
Be aware of self-talk when interpreting situations. Notice when you’re thinking in extremes or absolutes. Challenge yourself to see the gray areas by identifying multiple ways to interpret a situation. Utilize support networks to assist in exploring ways of thinking beyond absolute terms. To learn more about holding mindful thought patterns, read 15 Ways to Practice Positive Self-Talk For Success.
Final Thoughts
By allowing our values to guide us, we can better align with our authentic self. Additionally, if we can hold intention around using self-talk that encapsulates self-compassion, empowerment, and growth, we can be in a better position to get unstuck.