8 Mindful Communication Habits To Decrease Relationship Stress
Relationships are filled with challenges, especially during a pandemic. You and your partner may have experienced your fair share of arguments - and that’s expected. With limited access to outlets, some relationships may be struggling.
In my previous blog, “Too Close for Comfort” I described the many stressors that are impacting us at this time. Increased stress coming from outside and inside the home may be leaving many some feeling overwhelmed, anxious, & trapped. As our daily lives have become much more stressful than normal, it’s easy to see how stress can spill into our relationships.
If we can pinpoint the source of our stress and find constructive ways to manage our emotions and our needs, we can relieve tension in our relationships. In this article, we’ll discuss how mindful communication can decrease relationship stress, and help build a stronger connection to your partner.
What is Mindful Communication & How Can it Help Relationship Issues?
We have all heard the cliche, “communication is the foundation to a healthy relationship.” The expression seems simple, but some of us experience challenges when trying to practice it. Communication has the power to bring partners closer together or push them away from one another. Frequent challenges when discussing important issues can lead to feelings of anxiety, disappointment, resentment, decreased trust, and sometimes a lack of desire to share parts of yourself with your partner.
Mindful communication is rooted in being intentional about how you express your thoughts, feelings, and needs with your partner. It is being able to maintain a connection to your partner despite differences. Communicating mindfully is the process of creating a safe space, where both partners feel heard, respected, and validated.
If you think back to the early stages of dating your partner, what stands out? For some people, openness, genuine interest, and unconditional positive regard stand out. At this early point of your relationship, getting to know the ins and outs of your person was the focus. For most, this was made possible because you weren’t fortressed behind a wall. This self protective wall creates distance within a partnership, and represents unresolved disappointments, resentments, and pain incurred throughout the relationship. Mindful communication encourages attention to maintaining connection by bringing down the wall, and pushing partners to lean in with an open heart and mind.
Engaging in a mindful approach to communication can make it easier to manage conflict, build trust, and foster commitment. This framework allows partners to increase points of connection throughout times of disagreement and tension, heal from past hurts, and continue building on the foundation of their relationship. When we feel that our partner is invested in holding the relationship in the same ways that we are, we are more likely to share experiences, interests, and concerns. We, additionally, are more apt to show appreciation, affection, and have a stronger desire to move toward our partner instead of away from them.
If you continually feel discouraged by disappointing attempts at expressing your needs and connecting with your partner, this may be an opportunity to try a different approach when communicating. Below are 8 mindful communication habits that can improve communication in your partnership and decrease stress in your relationship.
1. Identify Internal Emotions Throughout a Conversation
Having difficult discussions with your partner is not always easy. When we’re feeling emotionally overwhelmed, or flooded, our brains are taken over by our fight-or-flight response. When we’re being driven by this response, we’re not able to sit in our “Receptive Zone”. The Receptive Zone is where we have greater access to our emotions, rational thought, and problem-solving capacities. Being here increases the chances of having a productive conversation, and receiving the messages being shared. The Receptive Zone is like seeing your favorite music artist in concert. Your sense of calm and openness to the experience allows you to be present, curious, and motivated to really take in the moment.
If you’re feeling emotionally overwhelmed before or within the conversation, it’s best to take time to yourself by taking a break. Wait to converse when your heart rate has lowered, triggered emotions are managed, and when you’re back in your Receptive Zone. Taking a break offers a chance to use the space to manage your emotions on your own rather than using the conversation or your partner to manage what internally feels so intense.
2. Set Intention Before A Conversation
When we’re feeling overwhelmed or flooded, our emotions can sometimes take the wheel. If we allow our emotions to drive, we are more likely to fall into patterns of communicating that move us away from our Receptive Zone, and productive ways of communicating.
Creating a benchmark or goal at the outset of a weighty talk with your partner can be helpful in grounding the conversation before it begins and providing a point of reference if the conversation seems to get off track. Being aware of what you want out of the conversation can be helpful in maintaining focus. If you’re wanting your feelings to be acknowledged, your partner to take ownership of something that hurt you, and for you both to collaborate on ways to avoid the situation in the future, it is best to define these intentions in the beginning.
3. Start And End On A Positive Note
When bringing up a sensitive issue, it’s important to create safety in the conversation. Safety increases openness, empathy, collaboration, and your partner’s motivation to listen to the concerns being presented. If you begin a conversation by pointing out all of the things that your partner is doing wrong, you may be assisting your partner in moving out of their Receptive Zone. Hearing a barrage of negativity from the outset can increase the likelihood that your partner will feel threatened, pulled to defend themself, shut down, and/or have difficulty taking in the message.
Begin the conversation by identifying the positive strengths of your partner and/or efforts that they have made in the relationship. It can be helpful to say, “I’m going to share how I feel about this particular situation because I care about our relationship, and I want to let you in.” From here, it would be appropriate to transition into discussing the areas of the relationship that have been weighing on you. Ending the conversation with a positive note is also important in providing safety and encouragement for future discussions. It can be helpful for both partners to share what was experienced to go well during a difficult conversation. Leaving a challenging discussion with a sense of hope and accomplishment can create more trust and commitment in the relationship.
4. Establish A Commitment to Fair Conflict
It can be difficult to connect in a conversation when you’re feeling attacked, belittled, or made to feel like your feelings do not matter. Anger, frustration, and resentment have the ability to produce destructive tendencies when you’re not aware of them.
It’s difficult to hold the feeling of, “What you did really made me feel like I don’t matter to you,” when it’s sitting beside the expression, “I’ve never been with someone so shitty before.” The message is more likely to be heard if you refrain from using accusatory language and/or put-downs to express your frustration. It would be best to use “I” statements and be mindful of your tone of voice, body language, and posture.
Before conversing, it can be helpful to collaborate with your partner on ground rules. Discuss the boundaries of the conversation, and identify what each person needs in order to be engaged, feel safe, comfortable, and open to listening and collaborating. Identify how to address the need for breaks when one or both partners become too triggered in the conversation.
5. Identify Your Communication Style During Conflict
John Gottman, psychologist and relationship expert, has conducted over 40 years of research with thousands of couples on divorce prediction and marital stability. He identified, The Four Horseman of the Apocalypse: Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt, & Stonewalling, as styles of communication that have been researched to predict separation and divorce.
If you notice any of these styles of communication are present, try using the antidotes to manage the conversation more effectively.
6. Practice Listening to Understand
A lot of problems can arise from having challenges listening when it’s your partner’s time to have the floor. If you find yourself having trouble listening to the message, feeling pulled to point out the faultiness of your partner’s reasoning/judgment, feeling pulled to shut down, or feeling pulled to defend yourself, you may be standing outside of your Receptive Zone. At this point, it would be best to take a break and resume the conversation when you’re able to return.
When you return, try listening with an open mind, respect, and without judgment. We are more able to empathize when we can push ourselves to step out of our own shoes, and try standing in our partner’s shoes. Try to hold the possibility that we have the power to sometimes unintentionally hurt the people we love the most. If we can hold this truth, we may be more open and motivated to hearing how our actions may have impacted our partner. Be curious, and ask questions for understanding, and use your own words to demonstrate that you fully understand your partner’s experience.
7. Stick To One Issue At A Time
Focusing on one issue at a time can make it easier to have a fruitful conversation. Taking out a laundry list of unresolved experiences on top of the issue at hand, increases the chances of not being heard, and goals for the conversation not being met due to the increased likelihood that one or both partner’s will move from their Receptive Zone as a result.
When discussing a concern, focus on the feelings and impact that the one event had on you. Refrain from compounding events to emphasize your point. Sticking to one concern at a time is like taking steps to manage a problem. Trying to solve everything at once can increase the likeliness of not being on same page, and reverting back to unproductive ways of engaging.
8. Seek Professional Support
If the communication challenges in your relationship are proving to be too great, consider speaking to a relationship therapist or participating in relationship workshops in your area. Therapists are trained to identify communication patterns that are causing roadblocks, and can offer insights and strategies to help shift these patterns.
If you’re interested in seeking support via telehealth in the California area, please click on this link.
Summing Up
Mindful communication is crucial to maintaining an emotional connection with your partner. Incorporating some of the habits mentioned above offers a way to relieve tension, and to address challenges proactively. Incorporating greater awareness to mindful communication can hopefully make the process of repairing/resolving relationship differences less challenging, and help orient the relationship toward a stronger connection.