Too Close for Comfort?

Is too much physical closeness causing emotional distance in your relationship?

As we all continue to be affected by social distancing measures and closures to many of our workplaces, schools, and other core businesses in the community, you may have noticed that constant closeness with your significant other has led to you feel frustrated, irritable, anxious, trapped, or resentful to name a few. Some couples may find themselves engaging in arguments more often than prior to the outbreak of COVID-19 about everything from financial and work concerns, household chores, childcare, to obtaining alone time.

While many couples may have found a way to manage the relationship dance by using social and professional support, there may be some that have found themselves emotionally pulling away from their relationship. The compounding stress of our current crisis and the nearly constant contact with our significant other can be increasing tensions in the household.

This article aims to help you better understand the impact that this pandemic may be imposing on you and your partner. It offers a discussion about the unique conditions that may be placing strain on your relationship, and a few tips on how you and your partner can work together to manage your relationship during this time.

How Lockdown Enhances Relationship Tensions

Couples across the country are discovering that these unique living conditions are not conducive to happy, peaceful relationships. Let’s take a look at the reasons why an extended, strict lockdown is inevitably placing strain on relationships.

Lack of Personal Space 

If you and your partner are constantly in each other’s space, it can be easy to become annoyed and frustrated. Prior to the lockdown, couples were accustomed to having time away from each other. If at least one partner worked outside of the home, there were periods of space that allowed each to engage with different parts of their lives (e.g., work, school, social engagements, and self-care activities). At the present time, personal space is far from reach.

“Love rests on two pillars: surrender and autonomy. Our need for togetherness exists alongside our need for separateness.”

-Esther Perel, Belgian psychotherapist

Time away from our partners can serve to benefit the relationship because it gives each person an opportunity to connect with other valued areas that support self-esteem/identity, while also providing space for each to recharge their batteries. At the present time, there are marked limitations to engage in activities and other relationships that previously provided a space for restoration and fulfillment. The combined tension of having little to no outlets and living in this uncertain world may leave couples with increased stress levels.

Increased Awareness of Annoying Habits 

As the days at home continue to extend, you may experience your partner’s personal habits and unique personality start to bother you with greater levels of intensity than they did before. Some couples may notice that areas of conflict that existed before sheltering in place have been showing up much more frequently. Difficulty having space from your partner’s quirks and personal habits may fuel arguments and leave you both feeling frustrated and discontent.

Environmental Stressors

The coronavirus pandemic poses significant risk to the health of billions of people around the world. In addition to fears of getting the virus or transmitting it to someone else; non-health related concerns around the capacity to provide for your family, employment security, and our future “new normal” impose risks to our physical and emotional health. If our well-being and sense of security feels compromised, our stress can spill into our relationships.

Stress has an Emotional Impact

Research shows that increased stress impacts our cognitive and emotional experience. Stress can increase irritability, frustration, anger, a desire to isolate from others, and difficulties accessing coping strategies. As stress drains cognitive resources, the ability to communicate effectively can be compromised, which can make communication breakdowns much more likely. 

Trouble Working From Home

The adjustment to a new ‘home’ work environment can be challenging. For some people, the lack of structure in the workday can lessen motivation, increase distractibility, and make it more difficult to complete work tasks. Anxiety and pressure can build as work continues to pile up. If you find yourself falling behind on work, stress can increase.

The Division Of Labor Does Not Seem Fair 

Being in close quarters makes it more difficult to overlook marked differences when contributing to household responsibilities(e.g., laundry, dishes, trash, & cleaning common areas). If expectations are shared, this area may not be a source of conflict. However, if expectations differ significantly, there can be an increase in disappointment, frustration, anxiety, and resentment that can lend itself to a desire to pull away from your partner.

Navigating Lockdown While Supporting Each Other

Being aware of what may be placing more stress on your relationship is the first step in knowing how to manage relationship challenges. Below are recommendations that offer an introduction to how to support your relationship during this time.   

Communication 

Difficulties in communication can produce a lot of stress in a relationship. Being able to share your thoughts and feelings effectively with your partner is key to lifting tension in the relationship. Be honest about your feelings, and share how certain aspects of the living environment are challenging. Try to maintain a frame of communication that aims to hold the outcome that you are looking for. We’re more likely to get closer to change in the environment when we’re able to express our feelings in a non-accusatory way, and when we’re open to working with our partner to meet our expectations. Check out my post on mindful communication habits that can help you decrease stress in your relationship.

Discuss Expectations

A sense of powerlessness and mounting frustration can fill the space when it’s difficult to share your thoughts and feelings with your partner, or if you feel like you’ve shared your frustrations a million times and nothing has changed. Having conversations with your partner about how each of you understands and identifies with different roles in relation to each other and other important areas of your lives can allow you both to get on the same page. Let your partner in on how to meet your expectations, and be open to hearing about how you can meet your partner’s expectations.

Spend Time Alone

A lot of the tensions that are arising for couples in the current crisis result from too much time spent in each other’s space. Don’t feel bad about asking for some alone time. Spending time alone will help you to gather your thoughts and check-in with yourself. Try spending an hour a day doing yoga, meditation, going for a run, or going for a walk by yourself. If you are working from home, do your best to keep your workspaces strictly separate. 

Plan for Special Time Together 

Research conducted by John Gottman, PhD; Psychologist, and author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work says “Happy marriages are based on a deep friendship” and that friendship is at the foundation of a strong marriage, and can predict romantic and physical satisfaction. Be intentional about the time that you spent with your partner. Work on getting to know your person all over again. Plan a date night, make dinner together, watch movies, and most importantly, talk to each other.

Socialize Virtually Without Your Partner

Try to make time to socialize with friends and family members. Platforms like FaceTime, Google Hangouts, and Zoom have made the process of meeting with friends, family, or colleagues face-to-face from a distance. Try creating a routine around virtual hangouts with friends and family that do their best to emulate social engagements that were a part of your normal life prior to the pandemic. Organize coffee dates, happy hours, book clubs, & exercise groups, and find a support system outside the home while at home.

Shift Your Perspective 

Recall what drew you to your relationship, and what it felt like to once work as a team at different parts of your relationship. Identify the aspects of you, your partner, and your relationship that allowed it to feel like you both were a cohesive team. Collaborate on ways that you can work together to replicate what used to work during this present time. Practice thinking in terms of gratitude and appreciation. Make it a habit to spend a few minutes a day thinking about the things your partner does that you are grateful for, and share them with your partner. 

Finding Balance

In relationships, having reciprocal awareness for each person’s needs, desires, and expectations are key to building a stronger connection. In addition, being aware of your need for both space and closeness can give you the strength and motivation to engage in quality time with each other from a different vantage point. As most of us are dealing with a number of unique stressors during one of the most consequential events of our lifetime, it is imperative to find ways to bond with your partner and allow them the space to breathe.

Finding ways to see your partner as your ally instead of your opponent can ease stress during stressful times because it allows you both to feel like someone’s helping you carry the burden and that you’re not alone.